he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
