I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
