I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
