watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
