2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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