it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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