I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
