STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
