Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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