I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
