Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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