the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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