either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
