Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
