I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
