i just had sex bonerless
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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