The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
