new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize