she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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