My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we're making bets on your personal life
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
