Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
