I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
