Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
