i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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