Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
