you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
