I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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