there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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