rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
