I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
