I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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