Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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