we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize