Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
