if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
