My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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