I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
