and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
