I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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