and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
