Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
