She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
