just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
