Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
