I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
