they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize