carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize