dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
