Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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