Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
