Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize