dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
