I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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