he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
