Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
