I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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