Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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