Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
